Being Awake and the Sunshine Breakfast

Being Awake and the Sunshine Breakfast

I have been dipping into Pema Chodron’s writing again and finding, as ever, joy and wisdom there and above all an encouragement to accept myself with love. So I fell to wondering how this relates to what I eat.

PC is talking about meditation when she says ‘Whether you are caught up in […] thought for the entire sitting period, or whether you feel that enormous sense of space, you can regard either one with gentleness and a sense of being awake and alive to who you are. Either way, you can respect that.”

But what does this mean outside the meditation zone? When I get on the scales this morning and they give me a figure I do not like, can I regard that with gentleness and a sense of being alive to who I am? Can I respect that? If I wake up with a hangover and a sense of having poisoned myself (with food or alcohol or rage or hatred), can I regard that with gentleness and a sense of respect? And what happens if I do?

To me it feels as though simply in making space for those horrible feelings (hating my body, hating my behaviour, hating others) eases my suffering. Simply by considering that I can be gentle and respectful of myself when I am full of rage, without having to change myself even when I feel hateful, there is balm. An outbreath. A letting-go.

If you are interested in meditation, do read Pema Chodron. If you are interested in your life, do read Pema Chodron. She has written a lot and it pretty much doesn’t matter which book you choose. The message is the same. It’s not complicated. I can be with myself (however I feel) with gentleness and respect, alive and awake to who I am.

And now, in the same spirit of simplicity, I give you :

The Sunshine Breakfast

sunshine breakfast

Arrange your peach or apple slices or both into a sunshine and pop a few berries in the centre. Now the sun is shining where you are.

Stress and Addiction Eating

Under stress our addictions pop right up again even when we thought we’d sorted all that. If you’re under stress (who isn’t?) look after yourself. Here’s how.

Have in a wide range of food in healthy proportions. (That means a packet of biscuits in the tin, sure, but a fridge and a fruit bowl overflowing with fresh raw things. Cheesecake is not a raw thing.)

  1. If you feel the need to eat and it’s not a meal time reassure that anxious part of you that it’s not going to starve and lay your hands on as much fruit as you can. Eat it straight or arrange it like a still life first. Don’t want fruit? Always have access to some tomatoes and miso soup, maybe a hard boiled egg too. Keep reassuring the anxious part which is not your stomach. If your anxious part is afraid of the food, reassure it just the same. There isn’t going to be any force feeding. There is only kindness. Sense into the part of you that panics. How old is it?
  2. If part of you is always afraid of being deprived, eat off large plates. A large plate filled with raw foods and a small amount of protein/carbohydrate/fat (meat, fish, cheese, bread, mayonnaise, salad dressing, butter etc) . This feels generous and is less likely to send that hungry frightened part into orbit.
  3. Equally if your small and hungry part is frightened by food, make it a small and tempting plate. Imagine you are looking after a toddler.
  4. Make it tasty! Anchovies, lemon juice, fresh herbs, garlic, ginger, coriander on your salad mean you don’t need so much oil.
  5. I’m all for healthy eating but this isn’t the time to start giving up salt. If you’re trying to eat sensibly in terms of quantity make it delicious. If you try to revolutionise your eating in one go (from a Full English diet to no-salt, low fat)  you are asking to fail. One thing at a time. Don’t feed the part that believes in all or nothing. Feed the grown-up part that knows to take it slowly. Someone needs to look after that toddler.
  6. Make soup. Make soup often! Making it is incredibly therapeutic and eating it is pretty good too. My current favourite is root vegetables such as carrots, swede and parsnips – whatever you have in but go easy on the potatoes. Chop and saute and onion. Peel and chop your root veg and add to the pan with enough Marigold vegetable stock to cover generously. Cook until the veg are soft and then liquidise. Freeze some and meanwhile season what you are keeping out for the next few days. By seasoning at the time of eating you can vary the soup. I like to add cayenne and curry powder for quite a spicy taste, then add some good yoghurt or a dash of cream to your bowl when serving. Next time you can add ginger and lemon and parsley or some other wonderful combination you’ve discovered.

 

Today’s recipe is for Pasta with Prawns.

Prawn Spaghetti

 

Chop finely some parsley and garlic and put in a small bowl with the prawns (room temperature), the juice of half a lemon, salt and pepper. Heat some good olive oil in a small pan and when your pasta is drained and ready add everything from the bowl with the prawns in it and a teaspoon of Harissa pasta or a sprinkling of chilli flakes. Warm through and divide between the pasta dishes. This also works beautifully with crab meat or sautéed courgettes or roasted broccoli instead of the prawns.

Detox Cooking

detoxThe Detox Kitchen has put its recipes into print.

This cookbook was on my Christmas list and I have tried out a good few of the recipes and whilst they are not quite as delicious as the food they sell in the Detox Kitchen in London that may be because they are even healthier! However what I have really got to grips with through cooking with this comprehensive book is that the use of fresh herbs and lemon juice is really underrated – at least by me to date.

What are the toxins I am trying to get rid of? My belief is that my body mostly expels things it finds toxic all on its own and that my job is to keep my body healthy enough to take care of itself. So I got curious. The toxin I identified with the help of this cookbook was the toxin of two double binds I hadn’t spotted previously.

  1. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to use fresh herbs and lemon (unless other people were coming of course) because I hate buying those little packets of fresh herbs in the supermarket. For why? Because I feel I ‘ought’ to be growing them.  It won’t come as a big surprise that many of them grow best in hotter and drier places than an Oxfordshire garden so, to be clear, I was doing without because I had an idea that they should be perfectly sourced. Madness.
  2. The second thing that stood between me and cooking with finely chopped greenery  was a laziness I wasn’t conscious of. An aversion to the labour of chopping properly, a resistance to tracking down the lemon squeezer and and washing it up afterwards meant I was depriving myself of deliciousness and some health benefits too. Letting go of the notion that I had to grow the herbs myself means I can cook with herbs! Letting go of the notion that it is too much trouble to wash the lemon squeezer means I can cook with fresh lemon juice!

Just doing the things that seemed ‘too much trouble’ has sidestepped the double bind and this seems a radical detox to me. Try it because, as that woman on the TV says, you’re worth it.

In the consulting room I am always listening out for the toxin of undermining ourselves and punishing ourselves in the name of being better people. If there were one magic wand I would like to wave for my clients it is the magic wand that would dispel all these forms of self-hatred (because, yes, that’s what it actually is). Not thinking I’m worth taking trouble for is a form of self-hatred. Likewise there is no kindness in improving your diet out of a desire to be good. If you want to be a better person, start by weeding out the self-hatred which lurks behind some ‘good intentions’ and imposes a regime of self-chastisement which breeds rebellion.

Meanwhile back to the herbs. You won’t believe how great it is to have a beautiful pile of finely chopped parsley or coriander and garlic to strow over your simple sautéed chicken breast.

Here is the chicken with herbs and lemon juice shown with either lentils (I’m afraid they were tinned as I was in a hurry) or saute potatoes. The Spring cabbage is done in the microwave for four minutes with a knob of butter and a little salt.

Of course if you don’t eat chicken you can do the self-same thing with courgettes or carrots or roasted squash (when it comes out of the oven).

 

Eating What You Are

Over the disconcertingly long time that I have been giving this some thought, I have come to realise that our lives are all about eating in different dimensions. For physical growth we need food. For psychological growth we need food and the food we eat is our selves. What do I mean by that? I mean that in order to grow our work is to digest the defences that we put in place during our formative years. With support we gradually allow ourselves to feel things which were too big or conflicted for us to feel as small children. We allow those parts of ourselves which we abandoned to come back to life, to thaw out. We feel into what caused those defences to form in the first place. In my work I encourage sensing into the body which is where all those experiences are stored.

And what has this to do with food? Two things. Firstly the process of digesting our psychic structures is remarkably similar to our physical digestion. When emotional work allows insights to arise and awareness to increase it can feel as though you are digesting the old ways of seeing. With practice you can actually feel it happening. Secondly addictive behaviours around food are like every other addiction. They are strategies, albeit misguided, of delivering pleasure to the brain when it is in emotional distress. Usually they are accompanied by self-punishment AND THE PUNISHING FEELINGS RESULT IN MORE OF THE ADDICTIVE BEHAVIOUR. You will notice that I am shouting and with reason. The first step away from addictive behaviour is to challenge the self-punishing and bullying thoughts and acts and replacing them with love from you to you.

Clients often ask ‘How do I do that?’ and the answer is very simple. Your own internal bully is much the same as a bully in the external world and the same techniques work.

How to Deal with Bullying

There are more than two parts of you (the bully and the victim) there is also a wiser, more adult part that can step in. Make use of this. Treat that bullying voice which belittles you and goads you in just the same way as you would handle a bully in real life. Treat the cowering part as you would a frightened child. (There is excellent advice about overcoming bullying here.)

These conversations can take place in your head or somewhere you can shout if you need to. (If you run it can be a great time to have this out!) They need to become a second-nature routine whenever the voice starts up. Here are your strategies. Rotate them.

  1. Ignore – don’t listen. (Mentally) walk away and keep walking. Don’t play the victim and don’t reason or argue with the bully.
  2. Stand up for yourself – really get angry with that bullying part so that it isn’t the only part of you with any energy. Remind the bully that bullying arises out of fear and weakness not strength. Tell the bully where to get off.
  3. Tell someone who can help – locate that third, authoritative and wiser part of you that can mediate.

These are the internal processes, boringly simple, which can bring the bullying to a less damaging level. Don’t be put off by the simplicity. With practice this works.

And now for todays recipe which also works.

Blackberry and Apple Cheese

blackberry-apple-cheese-2

Just a quickie to make you feel that even if you live in a city centre you can participate in making lovely things in jars. I made a couple of jars of this one morning when I had some left over stewed apple and some supermarket blackberries and blueberries in my fridge which were going to go off if they weren’t used pronto. It is a good way of making very expensive berries go a long way.

1. If you need to start by making your stewed apple peel some Bramleys and core and slice. Put in a microwave dish with lid and cook on medium to high power for 10 minutes until blitzed.
2. Now see what berries you have to hand. Blackberries, blueberries or raspberries, red or black currants. Fresh or frozen will do well.
3. Weigh the total fruit you will use and put it in a large heavy pan.
4. Add the same weight in sugar.
5. Heat gently  until the sugar is dissolved and then bring to the boil.
6. Stir often and simmer as high as you can without it boiling over for 10-15 minutes.
7. Start testing for setting. If a droplet hangs down instead of falling off a clean wooden spoon, it is nearly ready for potting. If a droplet on a cold saucer forms a skin after a few minutes which wrinkles to the touch, it is likewise ready.
8. Sterilise your jars in the oven, the dishwasher or rinsing out with gin or vodka.
9.For a true cheese you should really sieve the jam before potting but it’s really just as nice with all the lumps and bumps.
10. Eat in cake, on scones, on toast or alongside some sharp cheese.
blackberry-and-apple-cheese

Not Hungry

 

cookies-2

Today, I want to talk about the temptation not to eat but to close the mouth and turn the head away. Are you one of those people whose strategy when things got difficult was to refuse things that came your way. The big ‘NO’. ‘No! I won’t open my mouth, swallow, let you hug me, receive the good things life has to offer.’ Perhaps your life is full of things you don’t allow yourself to enjoy?

The Big ‘No’

Have you seen a child do that in a highchair, spit the food out, turn the head away? Maybe you have seen your child do this. But what if mother doesn’t take the hint? She’s desperate to do the right thing. The spoon keeps coming. There are tears and tantrums on both sides and everyone feels bad. What does the child learn but that her needs are secondary to mother’s need to feed her that food at that moment. How, as we therapists say, does that make you feel? It makes me pretty angry to be in any position where I cannot influence what happens to me. Maybe you too. How does it make you feel as a mother when the organically grown, expensively purchased or lovingly made puree end up on the walls. Yep, pretty angry too. Two angry, helpless people. Ouch.

I believe each of us has chosen a turn in the road here. When things did not go well we learned either to comfort ourselves with the sweetness of a full mouth or to excite ourselves with the power of refusing. The mouth is the organ with which we first explore the world and a treacherous organ it can be, always ready to deny its connection to the rest of the body. If love (in any of its many forms) has been offered in an intrusive, unattuned way or if parents have attempted to override our will, we may just close our lips and lose touch with what we need to take in to keep ourselves alive, be it love or food. Our need to have some say in what happens has been set at odds with our need to survive. Often punishment complicates the picture still further.

Maybe you have no eating problem as such but you recognise in yourself a tendency to withhold things from yourself, to deny yourself, to write off the great pleasures of being human as indulgent and certainly not for you. This is a complex area but a common factor in saying ‘no’ is often a false feeling of power. Soon the longed for independence is no longer about other people. What is sought is independence from one’s own bodily needs and therein lies the danger.

What to do if you can feel the seductive pull of rejecting things your body needs or if your child is refusing to eat? What to do if the little one within has forgotten what it is to feel hungry and food frightens you? What to do if this is your child? The same love and compassion come into play as for overeating. Start by taking care of that starving little one within just as you would if s/he were sitting at your kitchen table. Make it safe to say ‘no’ and perhaps it will be safe to say ‘yes’. Safe enough to eat. And if you get as far as eating, be patient. The person eating needs to be in control of how much and what speed and how often. The parenting part (or the parent) needs to be in service of the little one.

NB If you are suffering from a serious disorder you may need medical help to reach a stable place from which to recover, so this article is not an alternative to counselling, therapy or medical help but a way to work kindly with yourself in addition to outside support. My concern here is to address the very earliest distortion of the tendency to say ‘no’ and to address it with kindness and wisdom.   If your problem is threatening your health you will find more dedicated help here and a whole community of individuals who will understand your dilemma online. So for someone who needs to be coaxed into eating, here is a recipe for the thinnest, most delicious, wheat-free cookie. It comes courtesy of Otto Lenghi via my friend, Mary, who first cooked them for me. (The method has been adapted slightly.)

cookies

Almond Florentines

260g flaked almonds

2 x egg whites

100g icing sugar

grated zest of an orange

vegetable oil and baking parchment

Method

  1. heat the oven to 150 degrees
  2. line a large baking tray with baking parchment* and brush with oil (use a paper towel or your fingers if you don’t own a pastry brush)
  3. gently mix together the other ingredients
  4. put teaspoons of the mixture onto the lined tray
  5. take a fork and flatten the blobs into any old cookie shape – the thinner the better
  6. bake for 12 minutes and cool before removing from the paper
  • a word about baking parchment – it is a revelation, no comparison with greaseproof paper or other things. Use it whenever things might stick (meringues, bread, cakes etc). Accept no substitutes!

Loving Kindness in the shape of a melon

Loving Kindness in the shape of a melon

So here I am, a psychotherapist, why am I writing about food? Surely you’ve got enough to cope with on the food front without me weighing in? I guess it seems to me that there are some common ideas about eating that don’t help our health and happiness and I wanted to share with you what I have learned over the years from my clients.

I love food and I love my clients. I don’t like to see them unhappy and not uncommonly it’s food that’s making them unhappy. You don’t have to have an eating disorder to stand in front of the fridge mentally dividing the contents into ‘good’ (yoghurt) and ‘bad’ (ice cream). (You will have noticed that the food ads play into the same splitting with their ‘naughty but nice’). Listen to the conversation inside for a moment. Not only is the food you want either good or bad. You may find you are labelling parts of yourself good or bad according to what they want. Okay, let’s stop right here!  Splitting things into good and bad is the foundation of so much suffering and, like the man said, stuffed full of good intentions which lead straight to more suffering yet. Whenever we decide to be ‘good’ it is just a matter of time before the ‘naughty’ one within throws its toys out of the pram.

So instead of good and bad, I want to introduce you to the idea of kindness around your food. All food is good. All of you is good. Change begins with love. Love from you to you. Love from you to the planet. I’ll come back to this next time but for now, food time!

What better recipe could we turn to for our first experiment with love than Prosciutto Melone – a wonderful treat for all the senses that involves no cooking at all but a lot of love. You will see there is also a VEGETARIAN version and in this blog there always will be.

Prosciutto or Formaggio Melone. You can have this for lunch if you’re trying to lose weight or as part of a bigger meal. I have even been known to have it for breakfast. Make sure you cut the melon into reasonably thin slices because it looks prettier. Have as many as you like.

Ingredients

Small, sweet, ripe melon. Cantaloupe, Galia or Charentais. Salty, sexy ham. Traditionally cured like Parma ham (crudo) rather than cooked (cotto). If you don’t eat meat, turn to your favourite and saltiest cheese cut in wafer thin slices. Ricotta salata (ricotta with salt) is a hard cheese which you can get from Ocado and other places. Halloumi you can get everywhere. Choosing and arranging your ham or cheese and melon with love is part of respecting what you eat and respecting yourself. (In my book it is also an honouring of the people whose labour brought you the food and the animal who gave up its life.)  And that’s the happy discovery : respecting yourself turns out to mean that you respect the planet and its inhabitants. The two go together.

Would you like to feel more self-esteem? Start by treating yourself as though you are worth time and trouble. Wait for the melon to get ripe – you can smell melon when it is ripe. Go somewhere where they’ll cut the cheese or the prosciutto for you, if you have time. It’ll be fresher that way. Choose a lovely plate and lay the table. Is it getting dark? Light a candle.

Make yourself an Aperol Spritz and bask in the loveliness.