I just want to be me.

I just want to be me.

At the bottom of this post you will find a recipe from Honey and Co for the most wonderful White Chocolate and Tahini Cake. I recommend you make it and then sit down with a slice to read a bit about being yourself.

Implicit in coming into the world as a human being is the physical connection with Mum. If you’re lucky there is also a profound emotional connection. As time goes by Dad comes into the picture too if he is available. Little Bloggins learns who s/he is by looking at Mum and Dad and working out what they like, what brings a smile to their faces and what brings on scowls and angry words. In an ideal world we want to please our parents and they like to show their pleasure in us.

However! Anyone who has been near a two-year-old or a sixteen year-old will know that there are two periods in our lives when we ‘just want to be me’. The two-year-old has just learned to say ‘no’ and sometimes can’t be persuaded to say anything else. The teenager (at some point or other) will act out the ‘no’ loud and clear and sometimes by not speaking at all. This is normal behaviour. Not pretty but normal.

If you are parenting one of these age groups let me congratulate you if you have an obstreperous toddler or a sulky teenager – it means you have done a grand job! You have children who attached safely to you and now feel safe enough in that relationship to separate as they need to, to be themselves. Because they love you so much they have to make themselves pretty unpleasant and difficult to do that. Don’t worry. Underneath is the child you love and who still loves and needs you. S/he will emerge.

One of the ways in which those separating children may act out is with regard to food. Haven’t we all had a teenager, resident or visiting, who has a special diet? That is a way of making you notice s/he is not the same little one who complied with your food offerings. It is a way of individuating and, notice, it often disappears into the background later in life. Toddlers, of course, do not spare our feelings or our upholstery but spit out stuff they seemed to eat willingly only last week.

You can see how, if things go awry with this tricky separating process, people can get stuck in this rejecting stage, metaphorically spitting their life out as a matter of course. It’s a wearing way to relate with the world and one that often brings people to therapy. Sometimes the ‘problem’ is with food. Sometimes it is with people or other things. The curious thing is that where this behaviour becomes embedded the child remains unable to ‘just be me’. They remain attached albeit in a negative way, unable to ‘leave home’.  Of course the other thing can happen too. The eating becomes compulsive and unhealthy and, ironically, this often happens where the parents eat this way already even if they put a lot of effort into their children’s healthy eating. It may represent a refusal to separate. Whichever way of not separating occurs there is generally a lot of anger with it. The energy to separate is like rocket fuel but where it is thwarted (maybe mother is too insecure and touchy? too overwhelming?) it turns to rage. What makes working through these issues delicate is that these behaviours are deeply rooted in love and loyalty to the parents. People fear that they will lose that by separating whereas the opposite is actually true. We need to individuate to appreciate the people our parents are or were, to have compassion for their difficulties and for ourselves.

So what does healthy separation look like and when does it happen? The good news is, it is never too late. For some people it doesn’t happen until long after their parents are dead. Finding out you can ‘just be me’ without rejecting anyone or anything is the most wonderful liberation. You can explore yourself for the first time rather than defining yourself by rejecting the world around you. Likewise finding out you don’t need to hold on to Mum any more (or how she wanted you to be) is a huge gift. Separation is about growth, the way a flower pops out of its bud casing. It’s not rejecting anything. It’s not grabbing anything. It’s just being itself.

And as parents seeing the beauty of our children just being themselves is much more rewarding than trying to hold onto them or an idea of how we thought they were going to be.

White Chocolate and Tahini Cake

courtesy of Honey & Co.

Items in bold are my alternatives to their recipe.

320g caster sugar

350g plain flour or half plain white flour and half spelt flour

1.5 tsp bicarbonate of soda

1.5 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

zest of 2 lemons

2 eggs

70g chopped white chocolate

120 ml vegetable oil

230 ml tahini paste

1 tbsp vanilla essence or the seeds from a pod

240 ml buttermilk, kefir, yoghurt or milk

180 ml boiling water

For the icing and the filling I have developed my own mixture which is simpler to make and gives a much stiffer spread than the original recipe (which included Mascarpone, cream cheese and double cream and had less icing sugar).

I use 500g mascarpone and 180g icing sugar (and 1 tbsp vanilla and 1 tbsp rum as per the original recipe).

For the decoration : 30g white chocolate finely chopped and the zest from another two lemons.

Heat oven to 170C fan (190C /gas mark 5).

Mix all the dry ingredients together in a large bowl.

In a smaller bowl mix the eggs with the oil, tahini, vanilla and buttermilk, then combine the two mixes, before slowly adding the boiling water.

Mix until everything is well incorporated.

Line the base of two 9in cake tins with a round of baking paper. Divide the mix evenly between the two tins, place both in the centre of the oven and bake for 20 minutes. Rotate for an even bake and return to the oven for a further 10-15 minutes. The cakes should feel lovely and bouncy and have a good golden colour all over.

Remove from the oven and carefully flip the cakes to flatten the tops. Allow to cool upside down.

Make the icing by mixing all the ingredients together with a small whisk until well combined and thickened. If you are using an electric mixer, use a paddle to avoid overworking the mix and splitting it. Place the first cake on a serving platter, top with half the icing, spread around and top with the second cake. Add the rest of the icing on top, spread and, if you wish, sprinkle with chopped white chocolate and lemon zest. If serving on the same day, it is best to avoid placing the cake in the fridge. If you are keeping it for longer do place it in the fridge, but allow it to come to room temperature before serving.

Beautiful Borscht

Beautiful Borscht

Recently I was raving about the health-giving properties of beetroot and so I thought it time to make my first beetroot soup or Borscht. I looked at lots of recipes on the internet and decided that what I needed was the usual blend of aromatics to get the thing going (carrot, celery, onion) and some raw beetroot. The only change from my usual vegetable soup was introducing beef stock (not for everyone I realise) so I bought some fresh in the supermarket. The soup was a great hit – so much so that I forgot to take the final picture so you will just have to imagine a beautiful dish of steaming hot beetroot coloured soup garnished with yoghurt, freshly grated raw beetroot and a few seeds. Take it from me this is a very cheap dish that is really worth trying and if you’re vegetarian simply replace the beef stock with the usual Marigold vegetable stock or freshly made vegetable stock. For more of a meal in a bowl you could make some simple dumplings, boil them separately to keep them white and then add them to each bowl carefully. Boiled potatoes would also work well.

The recipe

Peel and chop as finely as you can bear to a few carrots, onions and a stick or two of celery. This is your Mirepoix which I am thrilled to say I had ready in the freezer from when I was Cooking the Fridge. Peel and chop the beetroot. (Disposable gloves are handy. especially if you’ve just had your nails done.) Keep back one peeled beet to grate into the soup before serving.

Sweat the vegetables in a stock pot with a tablespoon of the oil you like and the lid on. Keep the heat low so there’s no sticking and be patient. After 15 minutes add your stock of choice and simmer for about half an hour . I used Waitrose beef stock plus some home made chicken stock from the freezer. Add a glass of red wine if you like.

When the beetroot is soft enough to eat turn off the heat and allow to cool before liquidising. You can serve this hot or cold or freeze it of course.

The garnish : the amazing seeds that go with everything and are also cheap to buy and healthy to eat!

Saute a handful of pumpkin seeds with a handful of sunflower seeds a little Maldon salt and a teaspoon of oil in a frying pan until the seeds start popping. I was going to toast pine nuts but I was feeling mean and pine nuts are more expensive than face cream. As I stood at the cupboard hesitating these unloved seeds caught my eye and I gave them a shot instead – what a delight! They are so tasty I had trouble keeping enough back for the soup garnish. You can garnish anything with them but salads and vegetables are a great place to start.

When you are ready to serve choose a dish that sets off the soup to advantage (for me that means a large white pasta dish with a rim and I’m giving you a link here because I think these dishes radically improve the presentation of just about every food I know). Grate the raw beetroot and put a bunch in the middle of the soup next to a large spoonful of yoghurt (or fromage frais or goat’s cheese or sour cream). Add a sprinkle of the seeds and you have a beautiful looking first course or lunch.


Sad News

We’re deeply sad to report this – Le Guin influenced us dearly.

via Ursula Le Guin has died – we’ve lost our very best — By Her Hand


As so often, I owe what I know of Ursula Le Guin to a dear client who introduced me, perhaps on our first meeting, to the key ideas in

The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas

from The Wind’s Twelve Quarters: Short Stories

Omelas is a near-utopia which rests on a dark secret. An innocent child tethered and neglected in an underground prison is posited as the requirement for the good lives of the good citizens above. It struck a chord with me as an illustration of a psychological deal we may do with ourselves and one which brings untold suffering. I believe that the work of the therapist is in part to break this internal pact whereby we keep ‘the bad stuff’ locked up in order to have access only to the good. As an individual and also as an individual within a society I do not believe in this. It’s not just that there is cruelty in this approach to our inner landscape. It is a cruel approach that does not achieve its objective. I say it often and I’ll say it here again today : the bad stuff needs to be loved and thus transformed, not excommunicated, shamed or hidden and we need to start by doing that work internally. I don’t know what Le Guin thought about this (others probably do) but her mesmerising story powerfully illustrates the problem of how to live a good life in an imperfect world.

Beetroot – great tidings of comfort and joy!

My first day at school introduced me to two things I immediately fell in love with. My Kindergarten teacher Mrs Heilbron who smelled of Yardley’s Apple Blossom was the first object of my adoration. Unlike my precarious relationship with my mother, she was predictable and easy to please. Sadly Mrs Heilbron with her exciting name and her delicate beige shoes for difficult feet of a certain age passed out of my life at the end of the year when I moved up to Transition. (Enter Miss Mainwaring, another name that fascinated me but not an easy woman to fall in love with which sadly, may be why she remained grey-haired but unmarried.)

What mysteries and surprises it brings, one’s first adventures away from home. There was another girl called ‘Elizabeth’ for starters! And then there were the biscuits. My mother’s kitchen ran to fig rolls (my mother’s favourites), Nice biscuits with their coating of sparkling sugar crystals, custard creams, malted milk and (high days and holidays) Huntley and Palmers milk and honey which were exotically oval and had not only a dab of cream like the custard creams but a window in the top filled with honey.  At four and a half I thought I had biscuits covered. But no! When break time came we all headed for the little cloth pockets on the wall with our names on where we put our biscuits on arrival. Bourbons, digestives, biscuits in foil wrappers, pink wafers, chocolate fingers emerged from other children’s pockets – a whole world of biscuits I had never seen.



But what about the beetroot? Get to the point, woman. Thank you, I’m coming to that, as advertised, never fear. Now I cannot share with you the kindness of Mrs Heilbron but the second revelation of that long-ago day was beetroot. In my school lunch I tasted my first beetroot in tiny delicious cubes and was bowled over by the fabulous new taste and the memorable colour. Since then I have of course encountered beetroot in other places but it’s never tasted the same as I remembered. I will draw a kindly veil over the mistake that is beetroot in vinegar. I mean, really. Vacuum packed, pre-cooked beetroot was okay but very messy and unexciting in taste. Once transported to a kitchen of my own complete with recipe books and the choice of what to eat I tried beetroot again. This time I fell prey to cooks who recommend baking beetroot in the oven and then ‘sloughing off the skin with a paper towel’. LOL. Great way to burn your fingers and stain everything within reach. The beetroot tasted okay but it simply isn’t worth it. I resigned myself to a beetroot-free life.

Step up Nadine Redzepi once more. (Yes, you’re sick of hearing about her but I’m not done yet.)  Her recipe for sweet potato cakes with cumin beetroot and salted yoghurt revealed to me that you can perfectly well eat beetroot raw and it tastes the way I remember it all those years ago.  It’s probably even better for you as well and oh boy, you won’y believe how good for you it is. You can add the cumin and olive oil and lemon juice that the recipe requires – or not. It’s delicious either way and now I discover it has its own website AND its benefits include the following :

  1. Lowering blood pressure
  2. Preventing or slowing the progress of dementia by increasing blood flow to the brain
  3. It contains a powerful antioxidant and antioxidants prevent against heart disease and stroke, slow the growth of cataracts, slow ageing and generally turn you into a bionic human being
  4. antioxidants are anti-inflammatory so good for infections and all kinds of inflammation
  5. It acts as a natural viagra by increasing blood flow to the genitals
  6. It actually makes you run quicker

I mean what more do you need? It’s not even expensive and you don’t have to buy it online from specialists. Finally this is how you prepare it without staining your hands. Peel with a potato peeler and grate or chop wearing, Ta-Da! disposable gloves. These are also invaluable for peeling and grating raw turmeric, celeriac, stoning damsons and anything else that stains.



So I shall be introducing beetroot into every week’s menu and trying out the Beetroot and Chocolate Cake recipe on the beetroot website. I shall report back, natch. I am a great fan of things that taste great and do me good and I’m adding raw beetroot to the precious hoard.




Sometimes we all need Cookies

I was that girl. I was the one who sat at her corner booth eyeing your table full of mess and sticky hands. I was the one who cleared my throat a little too loud in the check out line at TJ Maxx while your kid had a meltdown. And yes, I’m the girl who turned to give…

via Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies — Wood & Spoon


I remember so well how children looked before I had them and I loved this post-childbearing confession. Meanwhile the recipe for cookies has wormed its way into my consciousness and will jig about there until I make them. Peanut butter and chocolate is a combination dreamed up by someone who wanted us to have a good time.

Colds and flu

Colds and flu

Miserable winter ailments call for direct action and no action is more direct than this amazing tea I just made myself : ginger and turmeric.

ginger and tumeric tea

Here is a use for the peelings and odds and ends from your cooking with fresh turmeric and ginger. I was making a carrot and butternut squash soup with ginger and turmeric and amassed a panful of peelings and offcuts which I boiled up with water for 20 minutes or so. It takes on the amazing colour quite quickly but keep tasting to make sure it really has infused.

Then add honey to taste! It’s that simple and the taste is so powerful you just know your cold or flu is on the wane as soon as it hits your throat. It taste nice too!in the cup



Now for a super cheap and delicious supper dish which you can tweak as you will. This is another one from the Redzepi cookbook I have been banging on about. Basically blanched greens topped with mashed potato with as much butter as you can force the potatoes to absorb. On top you pop a poached egg and some fried breadcrumbs.

mashed potato, egg and greensI used this new method for poaching where you tie your egg in oiled clingfilm and simmer for 4 minutes. It worked but it made the egg very small … Anyway, the dish is comforting and might benefit from a little more excitement in the form of bacon crumbled from the grill, chilli or anchovies. Or you can have it as a side dish with fish ir meat.

Redzepi suggests shavings of truffle which, guess what? I did not have to hand but would probably be pretty good if you did. I might try with truffle oil next time.

Who is the fairest of them all?

I said I would come back to the lot of stepmothers and during the hair-shirt month of January seems like a good time. It is a gift, being a stepmother. See if you have the courage to open this gift.

Some Unwelcome Facts

  1. The hardest part about being a stepmother is not your stepchildren.
  2. The hardest part is confronting all those undigested unpleasant feelings within. Loneliness. Hatred. Fear. Jealousy. Rage. Those old chestnuts.
  3. These feelings are not to do with your stepchildren and I bet yours are the worst stepchildren in the world, okay.

Step-children have a habit of bringing to the surface all the old jealousies and insecurities that we don’t like to be reminded of. They are hang-overs from our own childhood when it didn’t feel safe to express them. Here are three examples of how that happens.

  • A new baby arrives and everyone is telling us how lovely it is and how we’re going to be a wonderful big sister, it may not seem acceptable to say just how we feel. Lonely. Hateful. Rageful. Jealous.
  • A sibling or parent is seriously ill or handicapped and all the attention is taken away from us. There may be unbearable pressure on us to be ‘good’. How can we be jealous or angry when we are the ‘lucky one’?
  • Mummy or Daddy is gloriously happy with a new partner and all they want is to include us in their new family. We may smile instead of saying how lonely and hateful and full of rage and jealous we feel inside. 

    The behaviour of your stepchildren may be outrageous. You are not losing your mind. Your new husband may not be doing his bit to parent them because he feels so frightened they won’t love him any more.  These things may well be true. But that’s not where your vile feelings come from. Those feelings are all yours and you need to be very kind and delicate with them so that they can finally be digested and you can transform into an adult human being.

When you feel that outrage, that jealousy, that falling-apart feeling you are reliving some earlier traumatic event which may have been no more unusual than the birth of a sibling or your own parents’ divorce.

If that feeling is overwhelming it is time to offer yourself the space to express it wherever that may be done safely and privately.  Therapy, writing a letter (not to be posted) to the parent or sibling who caused so much grief, speaking or shouting out loud (in your empty house or stationary car or on a long walk) all your grievances, however infantile, can be very cathartic. (I do not advise driving while you do this because you will find the speedometer up in the hundreds very quickly.)

Frequently as children love was withheld until we stopped being angry or jealous but people who are angry and jealous need more love, not less. See if you can feel how much love and holding you need as you really allow yourself to experience these terrible feelings. You have my permission to offer yourself that holding and love even when you are full of rage and venom, especially when you are full of rage and venom. Just imagine being lovingly held until you relax.

This is not a one-off cure although once you start on this path it will have immediate relieving effects that you will notice. If you are able to relieve the rage within you will find it much easier to tolerate your stepchildren’s behaviour which is likely also driven by rage. Their rage has awoken your rage. Sometimes you may notice you feel no older than they are. Do not shame yourself for this. Take steps really to own your rage and express it well away from your family. You will be amazed how much less annoying you will find them and you may also note the first stirrings of compassion for them and for their father.

From this place you will find it easier to help everyone and you will be suffering a lot less inside.